


how’s that for devotion baby

by Cirkne



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Gen, POV Second Person, michael POV, sort of angst? with a happy ending tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 23:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11474205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: Michael never learned not to depend on people.





	how’s that for devotion baby

It feels like your lungs are filling with water and you are coughing up rose petals. In your mind they are pink. In your mind they are blue and red. In your mind they rot before they reach your teeth. In your mind you wish you weren't in love with him. You reach for him, still. You are desperate even after everything that happened. You never learned not to depend on people. He feels guilty, of course, but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes you forget that he's apologized, that he would never hurt you like that again. 

In your basement, he says:

"Michael, I love you," and you say it back because it's all you want from him and yet when he leaves you imagine how he will tell you he hates you. You imagine him choosing someone- something else again. You imagine the way you need him when he doesn't need you. Except, that's the part you never needed your imagination for. You know. You have always known. 

You were in love with him then too but it was different. Now it's ugly. Now instead of settling itself in your stomach, it finds your blood stream and it makes it it's home. Now it wraps around your ribs and threatens to break them. You want to ask him to promise not to leave again but you are too afraid of what he will say so you don't. Instead you look for signs. You wait. You imagine all the ways you won't take him back when he asks you to and then you imagine all the ways you will. 

He is in love with someone else. You don't blame him for it. She is beautiful and kind. She has all the right words and her feelings for him have never been black sludge the way yours are. He is in love with someone else and you have known him longer than she has but it stops feeling like you have. Sometimes his words sound so much like hers it makes you sick. He is in love with someone else and you wish you could pretend that you would be better for him but you know it's not true.

You wish, desperately, that you could be angry with him. You wish you could leave and hate him in your bones for everything he's done. For everything he didn’t do, too. You wish more things were his fault. You wish him leaving didn’t make sense. You wish he wasn't trying to make it up to you. You wish you could tell him no. You wish you could breathe without him. You wish, in a very selfish way in the dark of your basement, that he _couldn't_ breathe without you.

You make lists of things you want him to do and they all start and end the same. They're all always the same. You want him to apologize except he's done it already. You want him to say that if he went back to that night he'd choose you instead. You want him to kiss you. You want him to bash your head open. You want him to just leave you alone, fuck. You want him to put his fingers in your hair. You want him to say he regrets it. You want him to want you the way you want him, like he is everything. You want him to tell you he hates you. You want him to kill you. You want him to choose you over and over until you no longer doubt him. You want him to exist only for you, like he is not really a person. You want him- you just want _him_ in anyway that he will give himself to you and yet when he does it’s never enough. You want him, want him, want him and the lists, they’re-

They're all the same. You never know what you want from him. 

And then there's-

He doesn't sleep and the bags under his eyes start looking like they're supposed to be there and in your car in a target parking lot he has a panic attack because the guy behind you in line was buying mountain dew. You do not know how to help him through it. When you ask, he startles as if he’d forgotten you were there. Asks you to call Christine. You have stopped being his support system.

He says he loves you to the silence of his room, you are watching him from his bed. He has been laying on the floor for an hour. He says he loves you. Repeats it like he is not fully aware of his own words. Looks up squips over and over just in case something new shows up. Forces himself into breakdowns. Asks, vulnerable, if you could stay. Burns the Eminem t-shirt. Buys you a cactus. You say you love him and he says: “okay”. Sounds distant. Hugs you for longer than he used to.

He lays in your lap and tells you about Christine, his features soft and happy in the dim light of your basement. He calls you his best friend. Ignores the way you doubt him, still, to call you his best friend again. Asks how he can help even when he’s the one you’re angry with. Pretends he doesn't know your breakdowns are because of him, comforts you at four in the morning when he should really be sleeping. Reminds you that you were never a burden to him even though you feel like one most times. Texts you first. Asks what’s wrong over and over. Pays for your food. Laughs at your jokes. Even the bad ones because he gets them, he’s known you for thirteen years.

Eventually you have to admit he's not the bad guy. Was never the bad guy. Eventually you have to admit you did not get the worst of this. You have panic attacks and he forgets where he is or who he is. Eventually you stop focusing on your problems to help him with his. Christine asks if she can join you both for lunch and you say yes because you want her there. Because she’s sweet and gets most of your jokes. Because she makes Jeremy happy the way you couldn’t and you know this. Eventually you let yourself move on.

Sometimes you still imagine the way he leaves you. You are not his first priority, you know this too. You stop expecting to be. Instead, you hope he never has to choose again. Instead, you learn to be happy with how everything is now. Your lungs are no longer filled with water.

**Author's Note:**

> im the king of projecting lmao
> 
> title from show by neon trees


End file.
